Fear...

apprehension... consternation... dismay... terror... fright... panic... trepidation...

yeah that pretty much covers it.

My Truths

The truth is while there may be people out there who have gone through similar problems that I have been trying deal with... nobody knows what this is like for ME.

The truth is that there are days when I look at his face and see the pain there I feel utterly hopeless and useless to him. That look is like seeing the end of the world. There are days when it feels like the only things we have left are the things we don't want, okay that's mostly about the house. And that's because the house has become the one thing that forces us to stay in this cold, miserable, lonely place. I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I feel here... I tried too hard and ended up falling on my face. I keep thinking that maybe something would be better if only we could get home (to a place I swore I'd never go back to) where at least there would be built in support and people who care. The truth is that even now almost two months later I see a picture or have a thought and I miss Max all over again. He was a part of our lives for nine years, our first dog, our boy. Wouldn't hurt a fly and suddenly one night he's just gone. I know it's crazy but sometimes I feel like it's all because we moved to this stupd state. It's just been one bad thing after another... sickness, surgery with unforseen side effects, forced retirement, the loss of three pets... not sure how much more I can take...

The TRUTH is most days I don't even see the point in getting out of bed anymore

Bad and Worse

It's been entirely too long since I have posted something, but sometimes I feel like it's better not to share everything (definitely becoming a fb pet peeve). Especially when it feels like things keep going from bad to worse. Joseph has officially been medically retired from the Navy for about two and a half months and it still feels like we are in an adjustment period. Can't seem to kick the doom and gloom feeling. Especially when the VA messed up and nobody seems to be able to answer our questions, fix the problem, and give us the money that was due to us on the 1st. The money we were supposed to pay our bills with. I feel angry and frustrated and helpless dealing with all the bureaucratic bs. On top of all these other things, our poor little Mirah (the hamster) passed away unexpectedly last week. We didn't have her for long, but it's still hard to lose a pet that you have taken care of and loved for more than a year. I keep have these nightmare flashes of something happening to Ember and I just don't know what I would do. She really is my little angel and my best friend sometimes. She always misses me when I am not here and is happy to see me when I come home. Is there anything better than knowing you're wanted and loved? Even if to some people she is "just" a pet bird, she is much more than that to me. Some people just don't understand that bond and never will.

Rest in Peace Mirah

Pretty Ember

Pictures

I just uploaded a bunch of pics to facebook.. these are my favorites.

Washington Sky

View on the drive home

Dinner Time!

Flower

Pow Wow Dancer

Signage

Max Relaxed

Ember

....

I can't figure out if it's the beginning of the end or the start of a new beginning or maybe even both. I guess we shall have to wait and see where everything goes from here. I think it's time to introduce Joseph to Joseph Campbell and some of his more interesting ideas about life and destiny.

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. ~Joseph Campbell
Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging. ~Joseph Campbell
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. ~Joseph Campbell

Dear Tea/Coffee Swap Spoiler...

For all I know as I sit here typing this you may have already figured out what all you are going to send. In which case I guess this can just be disregarded. If not, then by all means read on and I hope this will make your task easier.


Here is a link to my amazon wish list, and here is a link to my Etsy profile and favorites. I love fairy stuff from artists like Amy Brown or Jasmine Becket-Griffith. I love to cook (but I'm not much of a baker) so a tasty recipe would make me happy (maybe something to go with tea or using tea). I have a HUGE sweet tooth and love just about anything candy or chocolate (she says as she's sitting here eating carmel corn, lol). I am really into using local products and am always interested in trying new things. I'm actually planning on getting my spoilee some local honey in either lavender or blackberry and coffee from a local coffee roaster. Another idea I had for an inexpensive item would be a toy for my bird. I know it probably sounds crazy but birds go through toys very quickly so it is cheaper to make them yourself if you can. There are a lot of websites out there that sell supplies and that show ideas for toys. The only other thing I can think of right now is something related to simplifying your life. I am in the process of trying to do this due to an upcoming major life change.

I hope this has maybe helped a little. The only other thing I can think of to give you are these palette images I found of some of the colors I like.

 

Consistency?

Ok so maybe I'm not very good at this whole consistency thing, but I'm going to try. I had a pretty good day today. I wasn't thrilled with having to drive to Kirkland, but the fact that I really like Joseph's neurologist made it better. He told a great story about being the Dr. on set for a John Wayne movie and even had a small part in the movie. Other than that, he said that Joseph just has to keep taking the medicine until he hits the magic dosage (which is the same thing I've been telling him). Then went to Alderwood, had a great meal at PF Changs (which I've been craving for months), and got to hang out with a friend and her very cute kids. I have to say that all you moms out there who brave the mall with your kids have my full respect for your endurance. I picked up a new cuddly friend at the mall...

So cute I couldn't resist. It also makes a wolf whistle noise which we've been trying to teach to Ember. So maybe she'll learn from it. So after the very busy day I'm content but feeling worn out. Hoping to maybe hit the sale at the Ben Franklin store tomorrow night, we'll see how everyone feels. I guess that's all for now.